Tuesday, November 24, 2009


I thought I was ready for it, but I wasn't. It was heartbreaking. Sunday afternoon we went in for a visit and shortly after he took a turn for the worse. It was aweful to see him in so much pain. His cancer progressed and needed so much pain medicine that he slipped into a deep sleep for over 24 hours. I was fortunate enough to spend the whole time with him thanks to Spencer and my in-laws. At 11:30 last night we were all in the room and I went and layed on the couch and my mom walked into the hall and my grandma sat down right next to him so it was just the two of them. He took one deep breath, opened his eyes and looked at her and passed away. He was waiting till it was just the two of them. It was so sweet. I am so grateful that I could be there during his final hours and after. I had many amazing spiritual experiences.
I had a long time to think about things while he was in his deep sleep. I got to spend a lot of time with him alone and tell him things I really wanted to and say goodbye. I had time to reflect on the memories I am hanging onto to get me through this.
Everytime I walked in the door to there house Grandpa would get a huge smile on his face and put his finger on his cheek so I would kiss it. When i was pregnant with my babies he would grab me as I walked past his chair and talk to my tummy. After my babies were born he was there to see them within hours of having them. My grandma and grandpa would come to visit us sometimes 4 or 5 times a week when we lived in Lethbridge and they would always have a pack of timbits. He always cried when he held my babies. He was so soft hearted. When I lived with them before we got married my coat was stolen at church (go figure) and he was so upset about it. The next day he took me to Lethbridge and insisted on buying me not one coat, but 3. He was so extremely loyal and his family was EVERYTHING to him. He was so protective of us. I got the sweetest facebook message from one of my very best friends just hours before he died and she mentioned how she remembers how happy he was to hear me sing. He always bought seasons passes to the shows for the 5 summers I did summer theatre and was so dedicated to coming to those shows.
I have such fond memories of him but the best one was while he was in the hospital. He had been there for a few weeks and knew that he was slipping quickly. I came to visit him and he pulled me up on his bed and wrapped his arms around me and told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.
This has made me really think about family. My grandpa and grandma loved each other so much and did everything for each other, there kids, grandkids and great grandkids. We all loved him so much and craved being around him. I just hope that someday I can look back at my life and feel like I have that many people that i have made an impact on that many people and have that many people that love me. I hope that Spencer and I can have a relationship just like theres. They had so much spunk and they were always laughing at each other and having so much fun. My grandpa has loved her since he was in Grade 5. They have the most adorable love story. When he was sick quite often I would walk into his room and they were both snuggled up on that tiny little hospital bed fast asleep. It was so sweet.

As I layed down on the couch just before he died I was in between awake and sleep and I imagined his tiny 2 year old Kathleen reaching her little arms out for her daddy and him wrapping his arms around her and hugging her so tightly. I can't even imagine how hard it was for them to lose her at such a young age and how amazing it was for him to see his little girl again. I know that we can do the same someday.
Thank you everyone for your phone calls, texts, comments and messages. I have felt so much love and support from so many people.
I love you Grandpa "Chicken"! I will miss you so much!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Im still here!

Wow it has been a long time. I actually have a lot of good reasons.
#1. Our computer has a virus and I cannot get on the internet. We ordered a mac about a month ago and it is just going to be delivered tommorow! WAHOO!!!! I kept thinking that I couldn't do a post without pics but what the heck.
#2. We have been living with my mom and dad and up until last week they didn't even have high speed internet and so it was painful to even go online.
#3. I am lazy!
Ok.. So really a lot has been going on. It has been hard to even think about posting let alone anything. As I said before we have been living with my mom and dad. We are going to buy a house. In fact we put an offer in on a house and the inspection fell through. We were bummed but there was a reason we are supposed to be here right now.
My grandpa Pack was diagnosed with cancer 8 years ago. It was devastating. I was living with them at the time. He was 62. I am super super close with my Grandma and Grandpa. Spence and I lived with them for 3 summers and I lived with them for a year before I met Spencer. There are only 6 grandkids in the family, 4 of which are me and my siblings so we are like there kids. I spent my childhood living just down the road from them. I rode my bike over there almost everyday in the summer. My grandpa and grandma pack are not like grandparents... they are like parents. I remember the night my mom told me that my grandpa had cancer. It was aweful. His oncologist said that it was a very aggresive cancer but that they would give radiation a shot. He went through radiation and the cancer went into remission. He was able to see me get married have 2 kids and I consider that such a blessing. My girls absloutly adore him and he absloutly adores them.
A month ago Spencer's grandpa Hinman died at the age of 96. He has been apart from his dear wife for 10 years and so we were so happy he was finally able to be with her. The funeral was so beautiful and I really came to appreciate the life he lived. His love of the gospel and family has been passed through the generations and it made me realize how lucky I am to be part of his family. Grandpa Hinman requested that I sing "Goin Home" at his funeral and I considered that a very special honor. After the funeral was over my mom informed me that my Grandpa Packs cancer had spread to his bones and that it wouldn't be long.
It has been the hardest month for me. I have spent every day at the hospital watching him go downhill. It is heartbreaking to see my grandma suffer. He is only 70 and they were just starting to enjoy there retirement together. She has not left his side. She is the most amazing woman I know. Anyway It has also been the most treasured month of my life. I have had the chance to tell him exactly how much he means to me and how much I love him. What a blessing. I know it won't be long and he will be reunited with his little girl he lost at the young age of 2 and that brings me so much comfort. I have come to understand that his time on earth is coming to an end and he has more work to do on the other side.
I am so grateful that house fell through and that we can be here for my parents and they can be here for us. Everything happens for a reason. I am so grateful for the relationship I have had with my Grandpa and for the amazing memories I have. I am so grateful that he has been so close with Spencer. He has often said that he loves him like a son. I am grateful for the special bond he has had with my girls. I know that they will not remember him in this life but I will be able to tell them all kinds of stories when they are older. But most of all I am especially grateful for the plan of salvation and the knowledge I have that families are forever.

This picture was taken a few weeks ago. When we were saying goodbye we put Ella on his bed so he could give her a cuddle and she instantly fell asleep. My grandma said it was because he was so close to heaven right now that it soothed her.

Here are a few more pictures of him and my girls that I will cherish forever. I have a million more on my computer. These are just a few I found on my moms laptop.