Wednesday, April 20, 2011

How do I feel?

-to have 28 years of such wonderful memories with such an amazing person.
-to have had a grandma that was just like a mom to me. I don't think a lot of people are as close to there mom as I was to my grandma. I said at the funeral that I have always felt like I have 2 moms. My mom is the greatest mom in the world.. But I had 2 of them. I was lucky!
-that she didn't have to grow old, have health problems. She died healthy. I know that sooner or later she was going to start to grow old and how lucky for her that she got to skip that.
-that she is with gramps and her little Kathleen
-that I have such an extremely wonderful family that I can lean on for support.
-that she didn't have to suffer for long
-that we could pay tribute to her and it all went as good, if not better than we had hoped. I know she was proud and I could feel her there. I was privelaged enough to share some memories and sing and even though I didn't hold it together as good as I had hoped I know she was proud.
-to be so blessed to have her in my life for eternity

-that I lost her
-that she didn't get to see my kids grow up
-that she was sad for the last 16 months without gramps and we couldn't fix that sadness
-for everyone else in my family
-that life is going to be really different and empty
-that life just isn't going to be as fun without her
-that I won't be getting my daily phone calls from her
-that she isn't going to be my summer friend again this summer. We spent so much time together last summer and had big plans for this one too. We were going to be the "single ladies club".. no spencer and i are not separating.. he is gone with work a lot. :)
-that I don't have my gram to cuddle with anymore
-that my girls don't have grandma chicken to have sleepovers with, play with, sing with, laugh at and talk too.
-that I feel alone

-that I will see her again!!!!
-that she is happy
-that she was proud of me
-that I was a good friend to her
-that she is watching over me
-that I will pattern my life after hers.
-it was her time
-that I will be able to be happy again and someday smile when I think of her instead of cry

Thank you all so much for your love, support and mostly your prayers. We have felt strength in them and I am so extremely grateful and humbled.

We never know what heavenly father has in store for us and even though this was tragic and devastating and I sometimes feel like my heart is broken in two, I agreed to this before coming to earth and I know that through our trials come blessings. I am so grateful for the outpouring of blessings since this happened. I have so much to be thankful for and that's what I will focus on.

My grandma was one of the best! And she is my grandma for eternity. I am so grateful for that!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

We did everything we could...

Those words pierced my heart.. This only happens in movies... She is only 71.. I can't lose her yet. I'm not ready. She is healthy. Why did this happen? No no no no NO NO!!!!

I recieved a phone call last night at 6:30. "Kelsey there has been an accident. Get in your car, pick up your sisters and come to Calgary." She's got to be ok. She is so young and healthy.. And we're still sad about losing Gramps a year ago.. Shes for sure going to be ok. She has to be ok!!

As we arrived at the hospital the stars ambulance arrived at the same time. I saw her for a split second as they quickly wheeled her by. Her face. She wasn't going to make it.

As they led us down a long windy hallway and put us in a room called the "Tranquil Room" I really knew that she wasn't going to make it. My grandma. My friend. Sophies best friend. The grandma that I wished was my mom when I was a kid. The grandma that called me every single day just to chat. The grandma that came in for a "sleepover" every other week just cause Sophie needed to see her Grandma Chicken.  The grandma that when she was near I instantly became a 5 year old little girl and nestled in to her chest and cuddled. The grandma that had the funniest sense of humor that could make me laugh to tears. The grandma that taught me more life lessons than anyone. The grandma that I confided in. The grandma that listened. The grandma that loved me. The grandma that was more than just a grandma. She was one of the most special people in my life.
I am so glad that I cuddled on the couch for so long with her the night before . I'm so glad that she came on a trip to Martins Cove with Spence and I and the kids the week before. I am so glad that my kids got to know the most amazing woman in the world. I am so glad she was my grandma!!! I am one of the lucky ones that got a best friend in a Grandma!

There is a bright side that I will go to for a few seconds here and there. She missed my grandpa horribly. She missed her little Kathleen that she hasn't seen for 47 years horribly. She was lonely. We did everything we could to fill the void of her husband but she was excruciatingly lonely for my grandpa.  They are together. She wanted that. That brings me comfort.

But then the overwhelming sadness, madness and heartache kicks in.

So here I am 12 hours later. Sleepless. Tired. Sad. Confused. Sick. Without my grandma. My dear sweet, full of love, giving, gracious, charitable, knowledgeable, perfectly perfect grandma.

But my grandma is happy. Reunited. Perfectly perfect. Where she belongs.
But I will miss her dearly.