How do I feel?

GRATEFUL
-to have 28 years of such wonderful memories with such an amazing person.
-to have had a grandma that was just like a mom to me. I don't think a lot of people are as close to there mom as I was to my grandma. I said at the funeral that I have always felt like I have 2 moms. My mom is the greatest mom in the world.. But I had 2 of them. I was lucky!
-that she didn't have to grow old, have health problems. She died healthy. I know that sooner or later she was going to start to grow old and how lucky for her that she got to skip that.
-that she is with gramps and her little Kathleen
-that I have such an extremely wonderful family that I can lean on for support.
-that she didn't have to suffer for long
-that we could pay tribute to her and it all went as good, if not better than we had hoped. I know she was proud and I could feel her there. I was privelaged enough to share some memories and sing and even though I didn't hold it together as good as I had hoped I know she was proud.
-to be so blessed to have her in my life for eternity

SAD
-that I lost her
-that she didn't get to see my kids grow up
-that she was sad for the last 16 months without gramps and we couldn't fix that sadness
-for everyone else in my family
-that life is going to be really different and empty
-that life just isn't going to be as fun without her
-that I won't be getting my daily phone calls from her
-that she isn't going to be my summer friend again this summer. We spent so much time together last summer and had big plans for this one too. We were going to be the "single ladies club".. no spencer and i are not separating.. he is gone with work a lot. :)
-that I don't have my gram to cuddle with anymore
-that my girls don't have grandma chicken to have sleepovers with, play with, sing with, laugh at and talk too.
-that I feel alone

CONFIDENT
-that I will see her again!!!!
-that she is happy
-that she was proud of me
-that I was a good friend to her
-that she is watching over me
-that I will pattern my life after hers.
-it was her time
-that I will be able to be happy again and someday smile when I think of her instead of cry


Thank you all so much for your love, support and mostly your prayers. We have felt strength in them and I am so extremely grateful and humbled.

We never know what heavenly father has in store for us and even though this was tragic and devastating and I sometimes feel like my heart is broken in two, I agreed to this before coming to earth and I know that through our trials come blessings. I am so grateful for the outpouring of blessings since this happened. I have so much to be thankful for and that's what I will focus on.


My grandma was one of the best! And she is my grandma for eternity. I am so grateful for that!

We did everything we could...

Those words pierced my heart.. This only happens in movies... She is only 71.. I can't lose her yet. I'm not ready. She is healthy. Why did this happen? No no no no NO NO!!!!

I recieved a phone call last night at 6:30. "Kelsey there has been an accident. Get in your car, pick up your sisters and come to Calgary." She's got to be ok. She is so young and healthy.. And we're still sad about losing Gramps a year ago.. Shes for sure going to be ok. She has to be ok!!

As we arrived at the hospital the stars ambulance arrived at the same time. I saw her for a split second as they quickly wheeled her by. Her face. She wasn't going to make it.

As they led us down a long windy hallway and put us in a room called the "Tranquil Room" I really knew that she wasn't going to make it. My grandma. My friend. Sophies best friend. The grandma that I wished was my mom when I was a kid. The grandma that called me every single day just to chat. The grandma that came in for a "sleepover" every other week just cause Sophie needed to see her Grandma Chicken.  The grandma that when she was near I instantly became a 5 year old little girl and nestled in to her chest and cuddled. The grandma that had the funniest sense of humor that could make me laugh to tears. The grandma that taught me more life lessons than anyone. The grandma that I confided in. The grandma that listened. The grandma that loved me. The grandma that was more than just a grandma. She was one of the most special people in my life.
 
I am so glad that I cuddled on the couch for so long with her the night before . I'm so glad that she came on a trip to Martins Cove with Spence and I and the kids the week before. I am so glad that my kids got to know the most amazing woman in the world. I am so glad she was my grandma!!! I am one of the lucky ones that got a best friend in a Grandma!

There is a bright side that I will go to for a few seconds here and there. She missed my grandpa horribly. She missed her little Kathleen that she hasn't seen for 47 years horribly. She was lonely. We did everything we could to fill the void of her husband but she was excruciatingly lonely for my grandpa.  They are together. She wanted that. That brings me comfort.

But then the overwhelming sadness, madness and heartache kicks in.

So here I am 12 hours later. Sleepless. Tired. Sad. Confused. Sick. Without my grandma. My dear sweet, full of love, giving, gracious, charitable, knowledgeable, perfectly perfect grandma.

But my grandma is happy. Reunited. Perfectly perfect. Where she belongs.

But I will miss her dearly.

Having a sick little girl..

Makes you really appreciate a happy little healthy one.

Soph has had one thing after another this month. She went from a nasty cold, to an ear infection, to an eardrum rupturing and fluid leaking from her ears for 4 days, to 2 days of puking.
She was happy, healthy and her normal little self today and it made me realize how much I have missed her!
I need to get her little immune system strong again.. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Welcome to the family

I love you I love you I love you minivan!!!!!

As if I drive a minivan. I felt like everyone was staring and laughing at me as I drove down the street... 

But nonetheless, I am in love!!

Scarred for life

This is a face we see quite often from Little Miss Ell.. usually it's because she wants to be held. Yes, she is still a baby to me and quite attached to her mama.

Yesterday I saw this face times 1000 for what seemed like an eternity. We were at the car dealership test driving a van.. yes, a van and no, i am not pregnant. Anyway it was getting a little chilly out so I told Spence I was gonna go sit in the jeep with the girls while he talks to the salesman. In goes Ella first. As Im buckling her in her seat the little sneak pulled my keys out of my hand without me even noticing. I get her all in, shut the door, and hear a lock and the car beeps.. Oh crap! She has locked herself in the car. I say to her, "Ella push the button" She keeps pushing the lock buttton then drops the keys on the floor. Shes buckled in her seat so she can't grab them and is trying to grab the door handle and can't so she starts trying to with her foot.. Poor dear starts panicking, Sophie is panicking.. Oh my Mama is panicking.
I call for Spence and luckily the guy that is selling cars is able to write down our VIN number and cut us a new key.. Good thing we were at a dodge dealership. Anyway we got poor little traumatized Ella out after about 25 minutes and the car salesman got a sale.. Yes, we bought a van. Haha! Never thought we'd actually do it but I am soooo excited!!

Oh I love a good day...

You know the ones when your kids get along, share, eat what you make them, sleep good, don't sass.. I don't get a lot of those but I did yesterday!

Today on the other hand....  

Random thoughts

Some random things that I just can't seem to stop thinking about..

-Everytime I walk in the door to my house I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude to live here... for a lot of reasons. Let me elaborate. 4 years ago when Sophie was born Spencer and I lived with my parents, Spencer had to drop out of school because the funds were vanishing so my mom and dad graciously offered us a place to live till we got our head above water. Spencer had worked for APX the summer before but selling was not his forte so he decided to give the tech end of things a go. We loaded up our little 4 month old baby up and drove 40 hours east to Philadelphia and thats where it all began. With the debt load we had acquired from being at school in the states and me not being able to work without a visa, I would have thought that buying a house would be something that "might" happen in 10 years.  Never would I have believed that 3 years later we would be buying this house. Random opportunities have come up left and right for him and we have really buckled down and budgeted. We lived in a ghetto apartment, limited our spending and really made a lot of sacrifices so that we could make this happen. Like with anything, when you really work so hard for something it makes it that much better in the end and we have loved living in this house for the last year. It's just perfect for us!

-Kinda going along with the last one, I complain a lot about spencers job. It is hard being apart from him and it can be really stressful for him also.. but I need to get a better attitude about it. Vivint (yes they changed there name) has been so good to Spencer and through this company I have met some of my best friends and Spencer has met some of his. We have brought all 3 of my siblings into it, resulting in them being very successful also... and Kara met her prince charming.. Yes I will take full credit for that one forever. So my attitude has changed... Im not saying I will never complain again but I am very grateful for all that this company has done for us and will continue to be. 

How cute is he? This is 5 years ago when he first started. 

- There is a time of the month.. (not the time your thinking about) every month that I have wicked bad cravings. No, Im not pregnant. Its annoying because I eat so good for 3 weeks then that week I just can't seem to control myself. I really want to lose 8 more pounds and I just can't quite seem to get rid of them.. I think I need to step it up with the exercise. 

Ohhh yum!

- I was able to attend a fundraiser for a really special family in Cardston yesterday. I have been involved in productions with Brad Wynder and his awesome mama Jolene. Brad had to have extensive heart surgery last week and has been in the hospital since the beginning of December. It has been very scary for the whole family and they truly have witnessed many miracles. It was amazing to see the community join together and make it such a success. The theatre was packed all day long and people who didn't even know the Wynder family came by to show there support. It reaffirmed to me what an amazing community Cardston is and how much I want to raise my family there.

- I love Emily from the Bachelor. She is a doll. Like seriously Brad Womakkk choose her.... or your dumb

-Last but not least. My life has reached a new level of happiness this past week. I was having one of those days and then my dear sweet husband managed to make a dang crappy day to the best day of my life (ok 4th best day of my life) when  he walked in the door with this beautiful thing. The camera of my dreams.. the 5D MARK 2!!! AAAhhhhh aaahhh aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! Like seriously aaaaaah!!!!! I still haven't come down off the adrenaline high.

So anyway there goes my most random blog post. Im sure I lost most of ya at line 425 but for those of you that lasted till the end.. good for you and.. you win a million dollars. CONGRATS!